Inspector Merridew Explicitly Forbids The Wanging of Chungs
Ladies and Gentlemen, if I may divert your attention from your liqueur digestifs for a moment, it has come to my attention that not everyone among us is what they seem. Please keep calm. The doors have been locked, and I have instructed the Butler to hide the key. Listen to me very carefully. Not everybody is having fun tonight. In fact, there is at least one person who, despite being given explicit instructions, did not Wang Chung tonight.
CALM. Please, keep calm! Someone get Lady Pilkington a chair, she may faint.
We all arrived at this secluded mansion by way of the one and only country road that provides access to this mountain, which has now been sequestered from the rest of the world, perhaps by divine providence, in a blizzard that provides me, Inspector St. John Lord Merridew, retired Scotland Yard detective, with the opportunity to relentlessly stalk the criminal that hides among us.
Perhaps it was Colonel Shillingshirehurst, who conveniently excused himself when the music started, saying that he needed to use the restroom. Come now, Colonel! We all drove a million miles to be with you tonight, certainly you, who fought so valiantly in the Boer War, could turn up your radio. Or was it your wife Lady Shillingshirehurst? Indeed, when she was passed a secret note by our host at the dinner table to deliver to Doctor Addleridgeberryborough, she ripped it up and moved down to the balcony where she could surreptitiously dispose the note where they would be camouflaged by the snowflakes.
Not to mention Captain Tremblewix, if indeed that is his real name. His mustache seems to wish to distance itself from his face. Perhaps that is because of his strong resemblance to the local escaped convict who has evaded capture by masquerading as a member of Her Majesty’s Royal Navy. The real Captain Tremblewix went down with his ship, the RMS Nugentmuske, three years ago! Hang your head in shame, you impostor! And put down that Mushroom Polenta Beignet. Hors d’oeuvres are for the gentry only.
I will be interviewing each of you in turn. Indeed, we are a ship of fools sailing on into oblivion. No one, under any circumstances, will be allowed to Wang Chung tonight.
