IF LEMONY SNICKET WROTE TRAVEL PAMPHLETS
Dear World Weary Traveler,
It has come to my attention that you may be considering a vacation from your dreadful place of employment. We all need to take a break once in a while. But where to go? Which country on this green-blue orb will you visit? If your destination is a tropical paradise, then you can place this pamphlet back on the rack where you found it, or in the proper recycling receptacle. If you are looking for a less traditional location, then heed this humble warning from me, the morose and verbose author of such travel guides as “The Hostilest Hostels in Norway,” “Winnipeg: City of Conundrums” and “Leave Belize Immediately.”
Picture a frozen wasteland. This forsaken, featureless expanse is flat, covered in a permanent winter frost. The only plant life nourished by the rock-hard soil is unfriendly forests and borderless bogs. It is populated by the poorest, saddest, hungriest, most depressed people on the planet, at a rate of approximately one person per five square kilometers.
What is this place? No, it is not the American state of Minnesota, although I have heard the two share many similarities. It is solitudinous Siberia, a refreshingly brisk region that takes up most of Northern Asia. This delightful expanse may conjure unfavorable mental images. Please know that Siberia has so much more to offer than gulags, tigers and railways. The gulags are long gone. There are bears, though. Hideously large, and perpetually damp, Ursine predators. Grizzlies to the south and polar bears to the north. Each of these voracious beasts has a hunting radius of 400 miles, so no matter where you go, you are within the territory of at least one man-eater. Train enthusiasts will be interested in seeing the lesser known Trans-Manchurian Railway.
Major cities include Irkutsk, Krasnoyarsk, and Omsk. Do you enjoy exciting night clubs and exotic restaurants? Try visiting Novosibirsk anyway. History students will enjoy the city of Yekaterinburg, where the last of the Romanovs were held prisoner after the Russian Revolution. Or perhaps the Tunguska region, which, in 1908, enjoyed one of the world’s largest explosions when a large rock from outer space made an unexpected visit. If open pit mining is of interest to you, you’ll mant to make a special point to visit the exceedingly spacious Udachnaya Pipe. It is 530 meters deep, and quite visible from orbit. Photographers at Udachnaya will want to bring a wide angle lens to properly capture the image. Others may not wish to remember it at all.
Airline tickets and hotel accomodations are quite affordable in Siberia. Perhaps you remember the Tourism Board’s short lived commercial campaign, with the tag line “Catch the Exile!” Or perhaps you do not. Either way, the Siberian people will be very eager to see you. While I have never been there myself, I’m assured their hospitality is quite exceptional.
In conclusion, if you are interested in bears, explosions, or very large holes, contact Torrid Travel Agency as soon as humanly possible. Do not tell them I sent you.
-Travel Safely,
Lemony Snicket
