Don’t Tell Me How Educated You Are, Tell Me How Much You Have Traveled
“It has been so nice seeing you again. Let’s do dinner next month. Dahlia and I just got back from Paris and we’re getting ready for Lisbon.”
“Yes, that would be delightful! I spent a whole year in Lisbon during college. It used to be quite charming.”
“Well, we have the air miles, thought we’d use them up, you know.”
“We always sail. So much more peaceful that way.”
“You know we were thinking of sailing to San Cataldo!”
“We absolutely loved going there. Just be careful around the coastline, the cartels use submarines these days.”
“Oh look, I just got a text from Dahlia. She’s actually booked us a stay in Chateauneuf De-Galaure.”
“Well tell Laurent we said hello, he owns the cafe.”
“You’ve been?”
“Oh we’ve been going to Chateauneuf-De-Galaure since our honeymoon. It’s our little home-away-from-second-home. Sometimes when we get home from a vacation we’re so exhausted we feel like we need another vacation.”
“What an amazing coincidence! I will definitely give Laurent your warmest greetings. I’m really looking forward to confirming this.”
“He and his wife never forget our anniversary. Look, I have his card here in my bag. See the postmark? That can’t be faked.”
“This is from Laurent Christophe? Oh heavens, of course! Before he owned the cafe, he ran a patisserie in La Cóte Sain-André! I was the Best Man at his wedding! His children send us home made farfalle in the mail, isn’t that adorable? I can prove it. See?”
“My heart quivers to behold such treasures. I’m so glad you had some left over crumbs in your pocket to establish the veracity of that statement. You must know Victor and Lilou at the vineyard then!”
“Let me guess. You stay with them every year?”
“We do get around, don’t we? Victor taught me how to make gelato at The Official Gelato College in Naples! It was miraculous to learn from artisans who have spent their entire lives perfecting the art of gelato.”
“Oh well you haven’t really had gelato unless it’s made the old fashioned way with snow from the mountain slopes.”
“I’m sure that’s nice too. You know, in the region they really draw out the middle syllable. Gellaaaa-toh. Tiny pause between the second and third syllable. And you have to hit that letter T like it’s trying to steal your wallet. Gellaaa-To.
“Indeed, that’s just how Rick Steves says it. But isn’t it true that authentic gelato is made with berries plucked from the secret gardens somewhere in the Dolomite Mountains, which can only be visited by virgins on the solstice, in a village whose name is forbidden knowledge to all outsiders? Waiter, check please.”
“Don’t worry about the check, I -”
“- Know the owner?
“Oh we go way back. We were freediving in the Azores to a sunken treasure galleon and I saved his life, so he owes me.”
“What ship?”
“What?”
“What was the name of the sunken ship you were diving to?”
“You know I don’t recall, they all look the same after a few hundred years. I’ll have to look it up.”
“Las Cinque Chagas.”
“Who was your diving guide?”
“No, who was your diving guide?”
“You go first.”
“No you go first.”
“I insist.”
“Well I didn’t dive there. I sailed on it.”
“It’s a sunken pirate ship.”
“Oh I know. I owned the Las Cinque Chagas in a previous lifetime.”
“I have to get back to the hostel.”
“You don’t believe me?”
“It’s not a matter of belief. I think you have simply already gone anywhere and everywhere in the world, especially all the place I’ve visited. And that’s wonderful for you. I’m happy for you.”
“It’s not my fault I was a pirate in a previous life. I didn’t ask to be Israel Agusti, Unholy Terror of the Catalans.”
“That does explain your comment about the cartel submarines, I have to admit.”
“I’m sorry if you are offended.”
“No, it’s fine. Have you been to space yet? Dahlia and I will double check the passenger manifest on the civilian space flight we have booked for 2027. If you are on it we will buy an earlier trip. Perish the thought of not visiting Mars before it becomes a tourist cliché.”
“It’s so funny you mentioned that. I’ve always wanted to tell someone about my trips to Mars. German scientists. Rockets from the Antarctic. Breakaway civilizations. There’s a kind of mystique there that I feel died with the end of the Cold War. I just feel privileged to have been there. But I can’t say too much about it. Then I would have to kill you.”
“That’s alright, if you did we’d probably reincarnate as twins into the same womb. Don’t forget to check in on Foursquare! And leave a glowing review. ‘Nine months in this location, wanted to love it. Dim lighting, checkout was overly complicated. Excellent value.’”
“I want to wish you happy travels, my friend.”
“I also want to wish you happy travels.”
“Lets travel outside right now.”
“Bring it.”
